sometimes, i give up.

i have never had a couple of months completely not go my way. I think the last time I felt this utterly disappointed in my life's direction was June of 2007. Yep, y'all can go back and click on my past posts during that era in life.

It's this feeling of dependence that probably drives me to think I am incapable of doing anything correct. Right now: it's finding a job, losing weight, having a clean home.

First the job thing: I have done everything that I am supposed to do in order to become the best damn teacher out there, so what's missing? A job offer. I graduated with a Masters and top of my class. I'm waiting on my test results and someone else to approve my certificate. In the meantime, no one wants to even offer me an interview. I am completely dependent on the universe and her offerings.

Second, losing weight: I have been trying the swimming laps, cutting out calories, instead I am growing bigger. I cannot fit into pants I bought 4 months ago, and I've been eating less than I had 4 months ago. people keep telling me I don't look fat, but seriously, stop lying. Every photo I have a beer gut and two chins, plus my dark circles under my eyes make it look like i've been punched...twice.

Third, keeping a clean house: every time I turn around there is a new pile of shit. I cannot, for the life of me get things organized. Once I finish a closet, I come back to it two days later and it's a complete wreck again. Once I clean three garbage bags full, as soon as I dump them in the trash, there's another three bags. And these are things I can't get through meaning the amount of dirt and dust makes me gag. It's overwhelming, and impossible to even go by my daily cleaning list. Right now i'm sitting at the dining room table covered in my laptop, external harddrive (that i'm trying to back up in order to FINALLY install my present from january), the scrapbook material for my friend's baby, my grocery list, a dirty plate, pile of mail, my job search book, keys, my portfolio, a chinese menu, trash from the external harddrive, study material, and a cathair brush.

The dining room table was spotless when I left last week for Missouri. This is just an example of the place. How am I supposed to entertain the BF's parent's this weekend?!

Clean house equals a clean mind. Right now nothing is going right, including the World Cup.