I was reading this article and thought about how I also missed deployment. War grates on those who are left at home as well as the soldiers fighting. It changed my perspective; it changed my personality, hell, even my body. The stress I dealt with has doubled my size six frame and turned my face into a 16 year old's reoccurring nightmare.
Believe me, I hated being glued to the internet, the news, the radio honing in on each unit that was attacked in Iraq. I would sit there scanning through for specifics Units containing an A, or a 1, or a 2. It was especially hard the day I saw the combination there of, and couldn't get through to my beloved. Right there on my office floor, I lost composure and became human, almost infant, in front of co-workers who never before even heard a wavier in my voice. Another hated moment was the first time I cried since the deployment began.
Driving home from seeing family, I started rambling on about what I missed about him, my roommate sitting in the passenger sit nodding in agreement since he was her best friend as well as she had her own man overseas. Next thing I know I'm pulled over on the highway crying, it wasn't the crying I focused on or what touches were missed most, it was the words my roommate said, "Good, let it out I want to see you express more like this". I realized it had been two months since the deployment and 6 months since the mobilization, and I hadn't expressed any sadness to anyone besides him. Even then, it was short silent tears that I couldn't restrain. Like a sponge that has been over saturated and is holding on with all it's might to keep the water in, but it has to squeeze it's muscles in doing so a couple of drops are released from the pressure.
That was the emotion I showed. So, that, no I don't miss.
I do miss the feeling of loving someone so much that through the thousands of miles, and through the bombings they feel it. I miss the walking through isles and grabbing a random item to send in a care package that won't melt or break, but no matter how silly it will bring a smile of love. I miss the opening the mailbox and seeing an old fashion hand written letter, words written are so open and so personal. I miss sending emails right before I go to bed knowing that they are opened with smiles, especially the ones written after a night of drinking.
I miss the swelling of pride when you see a soldier in the airport, or when television stations do a story of honoring. I miss the smiles given and the thank-yous spoken for me to pass onward. I miss the feeling of seeing my friends ready to react when on an outing and someone states irrational speech against soldiers. I don’t know if it was them ready to react on the idiocy on my defense or stopping me reacting on the idiocy myself, either way I carried much more than supporting my soldier. I carried the gateway, like so many other spouses and family members of deployed soldiers, of the thank-yous and of the reason for fighting from our doorstep to their tent flap.
It's such a better feeling to have than kissing someone on the forehead to hear the only response is the noise of teeth grinding because of the stress of god knows what is about to be unleashed on that kiss. Those feelings of giving everything you have good and bad, to leave you wretched as an empty parcel.
It's not the war to blame, nor is it the soldier, but standing in the mirror looking at yourself and wondering what happened to that person who was once loved and made to feel that she was the reason for the homecoming? During the deployment is so much easier to deal, displacement can be combated with letters and cookies. Rebuilding after homecoming can be destroyed with kisses and crossing schedules.
I heard somewhere that the healing is worse after your body experiences trauma. Well, I feel like I was in the slowest car crash and now the healing is the same as a patient in ICU. So in reading the stated article, I do understand this soldier when he states he misses war. As a spouse, so do I.
Believe me, I hated being glued to the internet, the news, the radio honing in on each unit that was attacked in Iraq. I would sit there scanning through for specifics Units containing an A, or a 1, or a 2. It was especially hard the day I saw the combination there of, and couldn't get through to my beloved. Right there on my office floor, I lost composure and became human, almost infant, in front of co-workers who never before even heard a wavier in my voice. Another hated moment was the first time I cried since the deployment began.
Driving home from seeing family, I started rambling on about what I missed about him, my roommate sitting in the passenger sit nodding in agreement since he was her best friend as well as she had her own man overseas. Next thing I know I'm pulled over on the highway crying, it wasn't the crying I focused on or what touches were missed most, it was the words my roommate said, "Good, let it out I want to see you express more like this". I realized it had been two months since the deployment and 6 months since the mobilization, and I hadn't expressed any sadness to anyone besides him. Even then, it was short silent tears that I couldn't restrain. Like a sponge that has been over saturated and is holding on with all it's might to keep the water in, but it has to squeeze it's muscles in doing so a couple of drops are released from the pressure.
That was the emotion I showed. So, that, no I don't miss.
I do miss the feeling of loving someone so much that through the thousands of miles, and through the bombings they feel it. I miss the walking through isles and grabbing a random item to send in a care package that won't melt or break, but no matter how silly it will bring a smile of love. I miss the opening the mailbox and seeing an old fashion hand written letter, words written are so open and so personal. I miss sending emails right before I go to bed knowing that they are opened with smiles, especially the ones written after a night of drinking.
I miss the swelling of pride when you see a soldier in the airport, or when television stations do a story of honoring. I miss the smiles given and the thank-yous spoken for me to pass onward. I miss the feeling of seeing my friends ready to react when on an outing and someone states irrational speech against soldiers. I don’t know if it was them ready to react on the idiocy on my defense or stopping me reacting on the idiocy myself, either way I carried much more than supporting my soldier. I carried the gateway, like so many other spouses and family members of deployed soldiers, of the thank-yous and of the reason for fighting from our doorstep to their tent flap.
It's such a better feeling to have than kissing someone on the forehead to hear the only response is the noise of teeth grinding because of the stress of god knows what is about to be unleashed on that kiss. Those feelings of giving everything you have good and bad, to leave you wretched as an empty parcel.
It's not the war to blame, nor is it the soldier, but standing in the mirror looking at yourself and wondering what happened to that person who was once loved and made to feel that she was the reason for the homecoming? During the deployment is so much easier to deal, displacement can be combated with letters and cookies. Rebuilding after homecoming can be destroyed with kisses and crossing schedules.
I heard somewhere that the healing is worse after your body experiences trauma. Well, I feel like I was in the slowest car crash and now the healing is the same as a patient in ICU. So in reading the stated article, I do understand this soldier when he states he misses war. As a spouse, so do I.
2 comments:
I'm so very sorry for the pain you've gone through. Wow. It truly is that difficult, isn't it? Doesn't the military have specialists to help soldiers and their families readapt to life back home after such deployments? If not, they should...
They do, the military had a nice weekend trip and convention they sent us to in Savannah when he first got home. Then the Chaplin's door's are always open for couple to speak with. But, like anything else that help is out there for...it still takes time and learning from one's own end. We are learning and dealing everyday.
Post a Comment