So after a long drive back from NC looking at beach apartments, I met with the wedding photographer.   It was fun capturing shots, because being cooped up in  a car for 8 hours and immediately jumping in front of the camera made for some goofiness.

I was having fun until he showed me some of the shots on his camera.  He was saying "oh, isn't this a great shot!" and I'm going "My face has swallowed my eyes and I have no jaw line!"
Now, here I am up at 1am because I can't sleep.  All I can think about is how much weight I have gained and how much working out didn't work.  I cannot even tell exactly how much I weigh, because my scale is broken.  For example, a few minutes ago I stepped on the scale (if I am going to be stirred from sleep, I wanna know) and I get 174.  I step on it again and I get 146, I step on it again and I get 159, I step on it again and get 198.  Seriously?! I Have NO idea how much I weigh.  I do know, however, I'm fat. And I'm going to be a fat bride.  I haven't gotten in my wedding dress since I bought it in February. I'm scared that I'm not going to fit.  Cause, right now I hate photos of myself. I don't want people taking photos of me, and I refuse to be in photos. . . So now how the hell am I to pick 5 good photos from today's session?

What pisses me off the most is that I'm tired of people telling me I'm not fat. I look great, I'm pretty.  It's a bold face lie, and we all know it.  It doesn't make me feel better, It doesn't even make me feel pretty.  All those comments do is make me feel fatter.  And now i'm moving to a beach town where the standard wardrobe is a bikini.

I started taking Healthy Trim three days ago.  Let's see if this will help, because so far nothing has.  Including eating lean cuisine lunch, yogurt, and baked chicken for 1 month straight.  This kills me.  I want my old body back.  I want my size 6, hell I will even take a size 10 at this point.